By sicks

This is, of course, only a proposal, and in no way constitutes a binding contract. Also, as the commissioning body, I reserve the right to change any and all rules at any time during a ride.

Rule 1 – aka “The IronWood” – Once a member of the ride party has had three flat tires in a single day, everyone is entitled to leave him.

Rule 2 – aka “The Erebus” – Once a member of the ride party has had three mechanical failures in a single day, everyone is entitled to leave him.
Rule 2.1 – aka “RightOnIt” – The broken-down rider can acquire a tow, a replacement bike, or further group assistance through the use of beer bribery.

Rule 3 – aka “The Nerd” – If a member of the ride party totes his particular brand of motorcycle to be bigger, better, harder or faster than any other, be it blue, orange, yellow or red, the other riders are encouraged to highlight, by use of terrain, the fallacy; ie – riding through deep water that may obstruct those with low airboxes.

Rule 4 – aka “The Sleepy Sheep” – If a member of the ride party is so irritatingly slow that the remaining riders could shear an alpaca while waiting for him to catch up or finish a cigarette, he can be directed to the nearest bailout point, and met up with later.
Rule 4.1 – aka “The French Break” – Lead riders take a break waiting for everyone to catch up, drink some Gatorade and eat a powerbar. As soon as the last rider arrives the whole group takes off depriving the slowest rider of any reprieve.

Rule 5 – aka “The Yellow Hog” – If a member of the ride party is so incredibly fast that the remaining riders cannot keep up without attaching self-guided rocket packs, they can instruct him to complete additional and ridiculous routes in order to balance the scale.

Rule 6 – aka “The HaySnow Effect” – Once a member posts a photo of themselves riding “to work” while the rest of us are snowed in and unable to ride, everyone is entitled to blame said member for all bad weather for the remainder of the winter – World wide.

Rule 7 – aka “Tha Rick and Roll” – if you have any excuse for missing a weekend ride with your buddies that does not involve your junk all black and blue then you can expect a Doll to be your replacement for that ride.

Rule 8 – aka “Nobody can say wbbnm” – If you are more than 30 minutes late for the agreed-upon start time, expect to be left behind.
Rule 8.1 aka “The Hungrywoods Addendum”: unless you have brought bacon on a recent ride.

Rule 9 – aka “The Estathon” – You must notify loved ones before departure that any ride pre-defined to be a “couple” or a “few” hours in length can (and likely will in fact) be an all day affair and has a 50% chance of finishing after dark and a 20% chance of finishing the next day.

Rule 10 – aka “The jjJ Dunk”: When a rider approaches a body of significant water, they must pause long enough that all other inmates present can have any and all cameras rolling. Only after all cameras are ready may they proceed.
Rule 10.1 aka “The PrairiePlop Addendum” – If said rider falls down in said body of water, they must remain in the water until all laughing subsides and every photographer is satisfied they have sufficient hi-res images. Then and only then may the rider extract themselves from said embarrassment.

Rule 11 – aka “The Hellholder”: If an inmate posts a “wrench report” they must make efforts to present photos of any tools used in said report wedged in, upon, or among any present assistant’s body part(s).

Rule 12 – aka “The OChumpie”: If the number of riders exceeds 5, one rider must have poor skills and little experience to present the others with opportunity for smoke breaks, laughs and embarrassing photography. If you get to the start and don’t know who the Chump is, it’s YOU.

Rule 13 – aka “The Hot Shot” – If a rider passes you and then wipes out while still in view, they must stay in “crash” position until every bike has passed them and taken pictures. Then, they must stay at the back of the pack until the next group stop.

Rule 14 – aka “The Battery Booster” – If an inmate has an e-start only bike, and the battery dies during a ride, he is obligated to purchase one beer for every time his bike is manually push started or jumped, with a minimum of one beer per pusher.

Rule 15 – aka “I wonder…” – If you are riding a dirt trail and come to a fork and an inmate says “I wonder where that goes…” – at that point you MUST in fact take that detour and see where it goes.

Rule 16 – aka “That Looks Tough!” – When a group of inmates arrive at the bottom of a gnarly vicious climb, one inmate is required to try the climb. If said inmate makes it, everyone has to do it. If the inmate falls on his ass half way up, everyone may take photos and then move along without having to try the climb.

Rule 17 – aka “The Gleeper” – If you choose a camping spot that is less than the width of a 1 person tent, all other campers have first dibs on your food.

Rule 18 – aka “The Estebonfire” – Anyone who can make fire using only sticks and tinder gets free drinks at all rallys. If you can teach Steve to do it, he might let you hold the nozzle.

Rule 19 – aka “The DePosterizer” – If, during any ride, the stops and lengthy delays incurred by person or persons desiring to photograph, document and/or otherwise glorify (with the intent of interweb posting of pictures and/or video) and ruin the flow of said ride (requiring stops totaling more than 1/100th of the total ride time) the person and/or persons responsible for such delays shall be mocked, harassed and otherwise scorned to such an extent that guilty party or parties shall either:
A. refrain from such activity or
B. not be invited on future rides; unless
A/B exception 1. the guilty party or parties actually organized the ride (in which case the others, including those experiencing intense displeasure at the interminable ‘photo ops’ ((usually me)) shall STFU and deal.)

Rule 20 – aka “Epic Fever” – Rockies inmates do in fact have the right to complain about cabin fever when the temperature is 49 degrees or below… because all of the Epic stuff nearby is snowed in. At 50 degrees or above said inmates are required to STFU and ride up the mountain in search of snow to fall down in.

Rule 21 – aka “No Pictures for You!” – All photos posted of BannedAlan must in fact have his eyes or face blacked out. If you lack the photoshop skills to do so you are required to hold your thumb strategically in the foreground while snapping said photo.

Rule 22 – aka “You Lucky Bum” – Those whom don’t have to work on any nice weather week day are REQUIRED to go for a ride and post photos to rub it in share with those who are stuck at work.

Rule 23 – aka “Elder Rule” – All riders are required to show respect to their elders. This may require waiting to give them time to catch up, picking up their fallen bike, or even riding their bike up difficult sections, and drinking the rest of their beer.

Rule 24 – aka “The Drama Queen” – if the ride is incredibly boring and mundane, you must talk it up as if it was the most amazing ride ever when writing up the ADV ride report, and use the word “epic” at least 3 times.

Rule 25 – aka “The Toothless H” – When a lost group of riders stops to ask strangers how to get there, directions issued by strangers who have no front teeth shall be followed.

Rule 26 – “The Hondobout” – When approaching a roundabout, a minimum of 3 complete circuits is required to elevate all riders spirits and to confuse/fascinate the local population watching such spectacle.

Rule 27 – aka “The Sunflower State” – If a ride leads to territory that cannot be disclosed, photographic evidence and names must be changed to protect the innocent (trail system).

Rule 28 – aka “Big Farkleizing” – Any inmate who is directly responsible for another inmate shagging, gets whatever they want.

Rule 29 – aka “The Mountain Man” – If, during a ride, a member is hurt and needs assistance, all riding will stop until the person has been stabilized, sutured, and an extraction plan formalized. Once completed, his bike is up for dibs.

Rule 30 – aka “Get Out of Jail Free” – If, during a ride, a member is having extreme difficulty completing a certain section of trail, he can, at his discretion, present a valid AARP card to be spared from any further taunting about his riding ability. (He may still be taunted about being OLD.)


1) Once on vacation – no schedule or plan is sacrosanct. You want to change your mind – don’t want to do something you said you did 15 minutes ago – fine, don’t do it.

2) Anything that happens is ok, it’s a vacation. Keep your expectations low, you won’t trip over them.

3) No bullshit. Makes relaxation easier. If you encounter bullshit, remove yourself from the situation – but don’t rush, you’re on vacation.

4) Eat well. This doesn’t mean going to expensive restaurants, just eat what you want and don’t cheat yourself.

5) Never hurry – it harsh’s the vacation vibe. You can’t be late for anything – you’re on vacation!

6) Ride your own ride – and never get into a situation that makes you uncomfortable. If you have to stop fifteen minutes after you started – do. Take a nap, buy a hat, eat a powerbar – whatever, just do what makes you happy and comfortable.

7) Don’t go on vacation with people that annoy, piss off, bore or bug you.

8) Fish, swim, relax, sunbathe without concern for time. Do it till you’re done.

9) Get as silly as you can (well, if you do it all the time, just keep it up ).

10) Stop when you see something that interests you. Even if you just stopped one mile ago.

11) Take more pictures than you’ll ever look at. Take multiples of the subject.

12) Remember the rule of threes in photography: 1/3 foreground, 1/3 subject and 1/3 background – or sky.

13) Forget everything back at home, work, the bank, etc.

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February 2020
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